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How to mend a broken heart?

I would realy like to know how to mend a broken heart. You see, I have had one now for three years, ten months, six days and two hours. Not that I am counting.

I tried the obvious unimaginative alcoholic choice, but not being much of a drinker it takes a lot of alcohol consumption to get rat arsed on lagers and limes and over diluted Pimm's! It became an expensive remedy and I gained the weight I was losing from not eating because of the liquid retention. It was also a bit of a downer when I threw up all over a friend's downstairs toilet. Made even more icky by the fact that I had not fully digested the asparagus and pork chop I had been fed two hours before!

So, I then went down a more suitable road by gorging on milky bar buttons and belgian buns. This was more enjoyable but again became expensive and my scales would no longer hold my weight.

Then I tried super glue but my hands got stuck to my box of kleenex and and my right ear lobe. This made it rather awkward and difficult to wipe my running nose and ever increasing flow of tears.

Duct tape almost did the trick but only lasted a day and a half before ripping itself off and causing

even more pain and a rather unsavoury looking rash.

I even tried a city break rendezvous with my first boyfriend! Keeping in mind that we had not seen each other in about twenty five years it did not help to try to re-live my youth. Although I would not say no to him whisking me off to Asia with him, preferably with a bona fide plane ticket this time, and not by hiding inside his suitcase, cuddling up to his Calvin Kliens and Old Spice.

Then I tried the rebound dating technique. This was almost enjoyable for awhile, until I ended up casually dating a psychotic lesbian with murderous tendancies, a voice like Vin Diesel, and a wardrobe full of clothes that 50 Cent wore.. circa 2004. When I ended the 'relationship' I ended up with four slashed tyres and a dead rat in my mail box.

I then decided to go the feeling sorry for myself route and shut my heart away from the outside world and lock it up, broken and shattered under lock and key in the intensive care department of my chest.. which is where it still lives, alone and dejected.

So.. if anyone knows how to mend a broken heart then I would be very interested to know the secret, because another failure or date with a psycho would probably send me off to the loony ward with a rocking motion and a repetitive speech impediment.


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