Hide.. and seek...

Ok.. I'm in hiding. There.. I've admitted it. I'm well and truly in hiding.

For the past couple of years I have been like a little woodland creature hibernating, with an excessive pile of comfort food and dirty novels.. not only through the winter, but through two summers, two springs, two autumns.. and another winter!

I know why. My inner psychiatrist has figured out the problem, yet she has not bothered to tell me what to do about it.

I have gained weight, which means I fear bumping into my ex because they will judge me and thank their lucky stars that they don't have me rolling around on top of them. Yet it is their fault that I have gained weight in the first place. Lies, deceipt, cheating and twenty three broken promises can have that effect. The weight gain has been my barrier from the real world. It has been my hiding mechanism. Not only am I hidden by a few extra pounds of fat and an ill fitting jumper, but the rest of the human race have been hidden behind me. It has caused quite a stir when muggers and bank robbers have used my bum to hide from the cops!

My confidence levels have plummeted to an all time low on the esteemarometer, and have at times seeped through and escaped completely. You can often hear my confidence having a sing song down the pub on karaoke night.. but sadly I am not with it. I can be found snuggled up on the sofa with a tub of Ben & Jerry's and the latest episode of Scandal.

I have figured out why. When my ex left four and a half years ago they left me without validation for who I am. I no longer know who I am, or what I want. I also have no one to boss me about.. I have no one to tell me that I can't eat that Cadbury's Creme Egg, or lock up the cheese platter and hide the key from me, and I have no one to click their fingers and make me jump. I am a lost soul waiting for someone to tell me what I should do next.

So what should I do?

I could join a dating site, maybe that Tinder thing. I have no idea what it is other than there is swiping involved. My fear is that I would be swiped right off the screen never to be seen again. Or I could end up with yet another psychopath knocking at my door declaring undying love after the first text. Or yet another stalker that watches me take the rubbish out in my flannel pyjamas and then proceeds to masturbate frantically round the back of the neighbour's Ford Mondeo.

I really should be careful of psychos and stalkers. I've had more than my fair share. I do seem to attract them though. And to be honest, I sometimes miss them when they are not around. It is strange not having to worry if my car tyres will be flat when I get up in the morning, or be scared to open the mail in case there is a mouse head in there wearing a wedding veil.

So here I am.. boyfriend, girlfriend, psycho and stalker free.. but also confidence and self esteem free, and very pitifully good fitting cothes free.

But alas.. as my inner psychiatrist says.. unless I get myself out there and start living again I will never find the person of my dreams.

So here is my vow.. I am going to try. I am going to be brave. I am going to pretend that I am confident and validated in some way. I am going to lose this excess weight and prance around at the gym trying to look cool. I am going to attempt a spin class, but maybe I should start at the bottom in the pensioners group. I am going to join a club of some sort. And then, maybe, I will venture into the world of dating.

As Arnie would say.. 'I'll be back.' So watch out all you possible dates, psycho's and stalkers.. I'm coming for ya!