10 rules when dating a lesbian psycho..

When you find yourself dating a lesbian psychopath you really do need to be very careful. One wrong move and you could end up buried neck deep in compost.. so please heed my rules.. as they are here to save the reputation and life of anyone caught in the lesbian psycho web of destruction:

Rules:

1. If your pscho lesbian tells you that she has a gun hidden under her array of dildo's do not ask to see it.. and then when presented with it wave it around like Calamity Jane whilst singing Whip Crack'Away! You could end up with one less ear or foot.. or a dead psycho lesbian!

Instead.. feign a headache and say you need to get home to bed and a hot water bottle.. then quickly call the cops and have her arrested before she gets the chance to put the gun to your head when the inevitable break up occurs.. with the 'it's not you, it's me' line, even though it is her and not you!

2. When your psycho lesbian insists on treating you to meals and expensive cocktails say 'NO' otherwise she will hold these treats against you and tell anyone that listens that you demanded that she pay for everything. Treats may be nice, but sometimes paying your own way keeps you form being buried alive six feet under. with your left over risotto stuffed in your bra and down your knickers!

3. If she tells you about the time she cut some guy up with an axe and threw his limbs over the white cliffs of Dover please run a mile! Just because she told you the victim deserved it do not be fooled. The axe is probably still around, waiting for her next vendetta.. and considering her next vendetta could be you - RUN!

4. When your sweet little psycho lesbian gets down on one knee and presents you with a skull and crossbone engagement ring pretend to faint, and then when you wake up pretend you have lost the last three hours of your memory, and that you had better go home and go to bed with a nice hot horlicks and a Brad Pitt movie.

5. When she starts mouthing the words 'I love you..' when you are dancing in a club pretend that you cannot hear due to loud lesbian music and that you are the absolute worst at reading lips. Just keep shouting 'WHAAAAAT?' and she should soon grow tired of repeating herself. Then go home after the obligatory 3.00am burger and make sure you get on the opposite bus to her.

6. If she tries to tie you up to the legs of the coffee table for some 'fun' say that you are allergic to being tied up and that you come out in an ugly, bumpy rash! Otherwise you could end up trussed up in the corner of her living room, being fed liquid foods and valium for the rest of your life.

7. If she requests a three in a bed romp with the bird over the road that dresses like Bruce Springsteen and talks like Darth Vader tell her innocently that you are not into that kind of thing. If you don't you and Bruce could end up stuffed in a body bag and dumped in the recycling bin. A psycho would not want to share you with anyone, it would just be a trick to see how loyal you are. Saying yes would seal your fate, and you and Bruce could be coming back as plastic bags.

8. When she tells you that her previous girlfriend disappeared under strange circumstances in an unsolved mystery do not stick around for her verdict. You could be next in line to disappear under a wave of speculation, while your sweet little psycho lesbian tells the nation in a press conference how heartbroken she is over your disappearance. Even though she knows exactly where you are as she is the one that stuck your body in a suitcase and sent you on a wild goose chase to Timbuktoo.

9. When she tells you she is loaded with money, yet never seems to work and just sits around most days eating BBQ chicken wings, it is probably because she is running a drug mule business or selling body parts for scientific purposes on the black market. It is highly unlikely she has a trust fund or lottery winnings sat in a Swiss bank.

10. If she keeps telling you that she could really fall for you.. after the first ten minutes of meeting you.. get out quick. If you stay you will have rules 1 to 9 to deal with and believe me it is absolutely exhausting! :)