Young At Heart!

I have made the very positive decision that next year I am going to get back out there and dive into the dating pool. The only problem is though my demographic is all out of kilter. You see, I feel like a teenager, which means that I am often attracted to 19 year olds. And this could cause a bit of an indecent problem.

Instead of being attracted to men of my own age I am drawn to the Zac Efron's of the world. In my head I am within his age range, and then I look into the mirror and I see a fortysomething woman.. rapidly turning into a cougar.

I am going to have to rectify this situation that I am in. I have got to stop behaving like a horny cheerleader on Spring Break. I've got to leave the boys to the girls and look for a real man, preferably with a bit of a pot belly, receding hairline and slight bladder problems. They must be good at giving massages and be handy around the house. They must not confuse that with being 'handsy' around the house though. I was married to a 'handsy' man.. and it was exhausting. I spent most of my days grappling myself out of boob locks and arse grabs. Bending over was a major issue, so I soon learnt how to bend at the knees, and to never clean the bath with him in the house!

My new man needs to be good with a hammer, all purpose glue, and at electricalling things, especially as I am always blowing fuses and breaking things, and coming up with outrageous ideas for small builds.

I want to be with someone that will happily binge watch Orange Is The New Black with me while drinking Tequila out of the same glass with two straws and eating pizza in our matching flannel pyjamas.

I realise I'll have to do some compromising though. I won't be able to sleep in the middle of the bed anymore. I won't be able to let my leg hairs grow to the point of having to plait them, or having to tuck them into my socks. I won't be able to leave my lady area looking like a bird's nest, and I won't be able to eat the last cake in the box and lie about it.

I do worry that I may have become a bit of a commitment phobe though. I never used to be. I used to love to be committed to someone, but after being with a lying, handsy husband, and then a lying, cheating girlfriend I am afraid I have become a little too cynical.. and way too careful about giving my heart away. Sure.. I did go through the whole rebound fling thing.. but look where that got me.. almost being dangled off a cliff in fluffy pink handcuffs at the hands of a psycho lesbian.

Or.. what if I get bored? I am prone to getting bored easily. I cannot risk going through a break up after a year and starting over yet again. When I meet Mr Right, he actually does have to be Mr Right. In fact, he will have to be Mr Fucking Perfect!

I suppose I should not worry about it now. I have time. I'm still under the 'F' word at least. Someone will want me. And anyway, if I do end up alone I can always hang out with all the skeletons in my closet... they are an absolute hoot!