Spanx.. for the memories...

As I pull my newly aquired spanx up above my knees.. all knock knee'd and contorting like an orangutan on speed, grunting and groaning.. sweat running down my back.. I cannot help but sentimentally reminisce about how life used to be.. with a flat belly..

Pre spanx flashback montage..................

I had a flat belly when..

I had a Sheena Easton DIY short back and sides haircut, that made me look like an 11 year old boy.

I had a flat belly when..

I could ride my bike without my belly mooshing into my boobs like a jelly vying for space with the blancmange.

I had a flat belly when..

I bent over to touch my toes in PE and I could actually see Stephen Johnson between my legs! There he was.. all sweaty and out of breath from five lunges and a pull up, bum fluff on his spindly legs. The epitome of schoolboy gorgeousness.

I had a flat belly when..

I danced to Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.. George and Andrew dance moves practiced to perfection.. imagining I was half of Pepsi and Shirley, singing into my hairbrush, whilst knocking plaster board out like snow over my mum and dad's heads as they watched Blankety Blank.

I had a flat belly when..

I could actually buy clothes from Chelsea Girl, without looking like a wannabe imposter from the larger girl section of Dorothy Perkins.

I had a flat belly when..

I could lovingly look down to admire my beautiful yellow neon legwarmers.. and actually be able to see them!

I had a flat belly when..

I had sex with the light on!

I had a flat belly when..

I conceived my first child on the bonnet of a Mini Cooper in the sheep field.

I had a flat belly when..

I could see what I was doing when I shaved my bikini line.. forming a perfect 'airstrip'.. instead of ending up with a contemporary piece of pubic art.

Montage over.. back to reality with a mighty thud.............

Finally the contraption is on.. all flesh coloured and making me look like a split condom on an oversized penis.

Oh well.. at least I worked off some unwanted pounds during the stuffing process.. and I can fit into my size 14 jeans for a few hours. Although what may happen after the three course meal, three glasses of wine and a cheese board could actually end up being apocalyptic! :)